Single & Blessed

Mr. Mushy, the Kids, and Another Lesson in Race/Color

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:15:00 +0000

So I let the kids meet Mr. Mushy. It’s usually a rule for me to wait three months (most don’t last that long), but since I see Mr. Mushy three to four times more than all of the men I’ve ever dated, I figured he’d met the time requirements. It went pretty smoothly. I was surprised that he wasn’t overly nice or accommodating. Which blew Maya’s hope of me finding a guy that will give her whatever she wants. Ant was his usual sweet, adorable self. **I am very proud of my well adjusted happy kids. I give a finger to all those people who say single mom’s are source of all the unhappiness in the world.**

A few days later, Ant and I were in Wal-Mart and we passed by a black girl and her very light-skinned companion and Ant said, “why is that black girl with that white guy” in a very flippant manner. Hmmm, I thought for a second. The guy was as light as Mr. Mushy and the only other person he’d seen me with was the very dark-skinned Jamaican . He’s never asked me about the difference in skin color of Mr. Mushy and I, but I figure this was his way of asking me why I was with such a light/white guy so I had to tell him that there is nothing wrong with a black lady and a white guy (I probably should have pointed out he wasn’t white). “It’s normal,” I reiterated. (it’s not really but it is quickly becoming that way!). I also reminded him of how he used to like the little blonde girl last year in his class. “Oh,” he said.

It’s weird, I know he sees all of the white women with black men at his school but there are no black women with white men at his school and he’s noticed the difference and seems to think the reverse is unnatural/not normal.

P.S. I’m not doing nanowrimo this yeah, but I am gonna try to do nanoblogmo (write a blog post everyday for the month of November) I’ve already missed a couple of days, but I’m still gonna try to stick with it.

November 2009 Net Worth

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:16:00 +0000

I haven’t done a net worth statement in a very long time.. so much for bringing my personal finance blog over here to keep myself accountable. (I will do BETTER!) NE-way, I ended up spending in excess of $2,000 in August. Yes, I made a major boo-boo. Sigh.. thus I had to transfer $2,000 from my already pitiful emergency fund to cover the excess. ::hangs head in shame:: Well after FINALLY doing a net worth statement, I feel even worse. If I hadn’t over spent I would have had a positive net worth this month for the first time ever! Well at least I’m still going in a positive direction. But all in all, I am not proud of my progress this year. No, not at all. ::sniff, sniff:: I am not looking forward to Christmas, but at least half of my Christmas presents will be bought with rewards points from my Chase “Freedom” credit card and MyPoints rewards points. Yeah!! Net Worth statement is below.

Assets	October	November	Difference
Cash Accts.	$10,762.00	$11,619.00	$857.00
Home	$124,500.00	$126,000.00	$1,500.00
Rental	$72,348.00	$72,348.00	$0.00
401k	$5,402.00	$6,659.00	$1,257.00
529	$527.00	$635.00	$108.00
Roth	$1,210.00	$1,285.00	$75.00
Misc (Car, etc)	$5,000.00	$5,000.00	$0.00
Total Assets	$219,749.00	$223,546.00	$3,797.00


Liabilities	October	November	Difference
CC	$900.00	$1,600.00	-$700.00
Home	$95,892.00	$95,436.27	$455.73
Rental	$65,909.00	$65,713.00	$196.00
HELOC	$8,530.00	$8,128.18	$401.82
Student Loans	$54,486.27	$54,336.76	$149.51
Total Liabilities	$225,717.27	$225,214.21	$503.06

Net Worth	-$5,968.27	-$1,668.21	$4,300.06

Dating Update Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:03:00 +0000

Mr. Mushy and I seem to be doing okay. We’ve been dating for six weeks and we’re out of the honeymoon phase and we’ve entered the work phase, which is the phase that will determine if it’s long term or not. We’ve already gotten into three mini-disagreements or miscommunications this week. Every time we get into some type of miscommunication I have to force myself not to close up like a clam and pretend that I’ve never met him. This is the part of the relationship that requires work. When I’ve tried to work on relationships in the past I’ve come away with 1^st degree burns. I don’t like this work thing, it gives me a horrible, horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is the part where I really have to put myself out there and trust this guy not to lie to me or blatantly disregard me. Ugh. I have to stop myself from dissecting everything he says and does to look for a lie. I’ve wasted so much energy on liars and selfish men. I literally have to force myself to enjoy this sometimes. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I refuse to make the same mistakes again. Which doesn’t make dating very much fun sometimes. It’s hard to look up and enjoy the view when you’re looking at the ground trying not to stumble.

The Next Chapter Begins

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:17:00 +0000

Ah the PE (Professional Engineering) exam is over! Gosh. This F-er was harder than the first two times. I have to give it to the NCEES, they make sure they never give you the same test twice. Sorry Bastards! Anyway. I’ll let yall know if I passed when I get the test results near Christmas (A-holes… they shouldn’t give out bad news around Christmas) Sigh… Well I definitely know now that it’s the luck of the draw and a numbers game, (at least for me) because I know a lot! I know so many PE problems it’s a shame. But there are an infinite number of Environmental engineering questions and scenarios out there and there is no human way I could know them all. So whatever. Don’t count me out, cause I will conquer your arse! –I’m talking the PE test, btw.

Now I have to get back in the habit of writing. I need to submit something to my thesis director by November 15^th. Hmmm, that doesn’t give me much time. I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to be. He suggested I start over and make it character driven instead of plot driven. I agree, so I’m doing it. Two hundred and something pages down the drain. ::shrug:: Whatever, it’s all in the guise of doing better.

Check ya later!

Food for thought

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:03:00 +0000

http://www.ontheroadtoqueendom.com/2009/10/if-you-arent-married-youre-single.html

Happiness is A Warm Gun

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:58:00 +0000

Jamaica emailed me today. He bought up the weird anti-proposal from the last time I saw him. Apparently the anti-proposal was supposed to be some kind of real proposal, or so he says a month and a half later out of the blue. (I’m not at the point where I’ll accept anything from a guy just because he brings up marriage. I am ashamed to admit I used to be that way. Thank God for the singlution!) I told him I was seeing someone. I don’t know why he feels like he should be able to treat me like crap and in return I should give him my undying love and respect. He’s too old not to recognize that he has a problem, and I’m too old to make excuses for him. I owe it to me and my children not get caught up with someone who has issues with intimacy and happiness. I hope he finds happiness, it’s the most sacred thing in the world. I wish he’d talk to someone about what makes sustained intimacy so hard for him. He probably won’t, but I pray that he does. In the mean time, I’m really happy with Mr. Mushy (That will be his name I think.) He’s not really very mushy, but he describes himself that way, and he is one of the nicest guy I’ve met, so I’ll go with Mr. Mushy.

p.s. I was just gonna name this post Happiness, but at the moment I’m listening to “Happiness is a Warm Gun” from Across the Universe Soundtrack So I chose that as the title. I’ve recently discovered The Beatles. YEAH! Talk about poetry set to music. Wow! I finally know why they’re such a big deal.

P.S.S I want to give a shout out to the Single lady blogs (and Miles Per Hour). I really needed what I learned from them to give myself permission to be happy and single. It feels so good. And if Mr. Mushy aint the one, I don’t have to feel an ounce of guilt for choosing to leave him alone and continue the search. It may hurt for a little while, but…. Happiness is priceless (Or a warm gun) and I deserve it just as much as anyone else.

Thick Skin, I have

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:48:00 +0000

Beckie gave me a shout out on her blog so I figured I’d better write a post. I actually wrote something yesterday but deleted it. It was about the guy I’m dating. Unfortunately, if you google my name my blog comes up and since everyone googles their dates nowadays, I wasn’t for sure if I wanted to go there. But I really like posting about such things so I have the choice of hoping he’s not a google-er (which I doubt) or making my blog private, which isn’t a good idea since I’m supposed to be some kind of writer.

Speaking of writing. I turned in the first 60 pages of my thesis to my thesis director and he hated it. Butchered it. Shat on it. ::rolls eyes:: I was a wee bit upset, but not much. He’s very literary and apparently doesn’t like fantasy. ::shrug:: no biggie. Whether he likes fantasy or not, I’m doing it. As of right now, I’m in love with urban fantasy and I want to diversify it. He also accused me of plagiarizing because I used “glamour,” which tells me this guy has not read much fantasy. He might as well accuse me of plagiarizing Tolkien by including elves. He may not be the best thesis director if he’s accusing me of plagiarizing such a common term, but we’ll see. I respect him and since he wrote me a two page death letter, I’ll assume he cares-a little.

He tore me up about my grammar, too. Which sucks because I had two people read over it before I even turned it in. Ugh!

For a tenth of second, I thought about quitting but I have no choice but to write. I’ve tried to quit before, but I feel paralyzed and utterly unhappy if I don’t write. Of course, I could just write for myself and forget about perfecting it for others, but… that doesn’t make sense either. It may be a hobby, a hopeless hobby, but every person with a serious money consuming hobby tries her best to excel at it.

I’m proud of myself, actually. A year or two ago I would have been weeping hysterically and quit the whole program. I’ve obviously developed a pretty thick skin. Not bad, not bad at all. But I will take his suggestion and start the draft over, but I’m not giving up on fantasy or myself.

In the meantime, I promise you an update on the guy I’m dating. I need to figure out a fake name for him like Jamaica’s and The Plumber’s. Hmmm… Let’s see. We have Shorty—because he is short 5’7” or The Marine-since he’s in the Marine’s. Hmmm when I think of him though I think of his light skin. He almost has no pigment. He’s a few shades from being an albino. So I think I’m gonna call him Yellow, the first yellow guy I’ve ever dated. It’s not so bad. I probably should have gone yellow a lot earlier. Hahaaha, just kidding. I will not name him Yellow. –He may google me and get offended--- ;)

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:12:00 +0000

It’s cold weather time. Oh how I missed thee. Even if I feel blah, I still love the feel and smell of fall weather. I guess I’m adjusting and now I can’t wait to start creating a cheap fall wardrobe, playing with darker eye shadows, and more neutral make up. I’m also trying to make a promise to myself to wear my hair in protective styles (i.e. braids, twists, and twists outs) until January so I can get more length. That is all. I just needed to have it written down somewhere, that I will not do wash and goes, I will take the time to either braid or twist my hair.

Church vs. Counseling

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:48:00 +0000

I was considering going to counseling about my anxiety problems, but then I remembered how in college when I was having constant homicidal and masochistic thoughts (you would never know it to look at a person what they’re actually thinking), well I started going to church and the thoughts stopped. I haven’t gone to church regularly since January. Why you ask??? Part laziness, but mostly disappointment. I’ve been disappointed over not passing my PE exam and some other petty things. I prayed so hard and had everyone at church pray for me and then I studied sooo hard. So when I didn’t pass it was a big, hefty blow to my ego and my faith. Which is crazy because God has been nothing but faithful in my life. I was raised in a crazy environment around some ridiculously crazy people and nothing ever happened to me. In fact I graduated high school, the only one of six kids; and graduated college with a chemical engineering degree with a child in tow. I am a walking, talking testament of what God can do and continues to do… I should be ashamed of myself. My butt will be back in church on Sunday.

Disclaimer: I know church isn’t the answer to for most people with emotional and mental issues. I just know for me church seems to be a cure for what ails. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s just from being in a building with mostly good spirited people that makes me feel better; but either way, the place gives me strength and fortitude. Of course, if I continue with my anxiety after a few church services I’ll look into some counseling.

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:25:00 +0000

Aaaaeeeee… What’s up?

After two months and 4 lame dates I seem to have met an actual attractive and nice guy. I haven’t known him for so I’m keeping both eyes open, but so far he seems to be a genuine guy. A little bit clingy, but since I broke up with the last two guys for lack of communication (which translates to spend time with me..wahhhh), I’m trying not to complain. But sometimes we don’t know how to behave when we actually get something we’ve asked for, right? So I’ll let ya’ll know how it works out.

Am I mature enough to handle a nice guy???

Is this guy a wolf in sheep’s clothing???

Is the guy a charming serial killer???

Find out in the next episode.

Resistance

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:37:00 +0000

I am feeling uninspired. I’m getting over the flu, but even before that I’ve been feeling blah. I think it’s the weather change56 (marked by the kids going back to school). I’ve been hyped all summer and now my body is wanting to slow down and hibernate. Which for me means I don’t feel like putting together a decent outfit, or putting on make up, or getting up and going to work or doing my hair (GASP!!!). I don’t feel like dating either…. All I want to do is sit outside or in my bed and read a book. Sigh…….

So in order to fight this blah feeling I’m going to name it “Resistance,” a term I got from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I think the term especially applies because the thought of giving up on the PE and my thesis has also been in my mind.

In order to fight Resistance, I’m going to cite little passages from the book to help me wade through my funk of blah.

The War of Art Quotes of the Day: Most of Us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.

So what am I going to do to beat Resistance today? I’m going to email my thesis paper to the director. I have a long list of other things I need to do, but I’m gonna start out slow.

School Updates

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 02:38:00 +0000

So, I was thinking about taking Ant out of private school. But, other than me wanting to have extra spending money, I couldn't find a good enough reason to do it. So I kept him in the private school for kindergarten. Today he was talking to me about pluto and how it may be a moon or a planet or something (I don't remember the particulars) and then he was singing the days of the week in Spanish; and school has only been in session for one week and a half. Yeah... I'm kinda glad I kept in the school.
I did take Maya out of her charter school and put her in the district school (which is supposed to be decent). She told me she's ahead of the rest of the class in math. She's very happy about that.

The Doll Test-- The Rockband 2 Version

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:13:00 +0000

I am officially in a band. LOL! That is, One of my bff’s went halfsies with me on RocK Band 2. Ant, my five year old with his awesome chocolate skin, picked out a white guy for his avatar. I asked him why he wanted to be white and he told me because white looks better. ::Jaw Drop:: I thought he knew his skin was beautiful, but I guess I haven’t did a good job teaching him pride over his skin color. I tried to look at it in a different way though, maybe aesthetically lighter is better. I have to admit, when I go all the way over to the dark side of the color choice in the game, which would represent his skin color, it looks kinda ugly. The darker skin doesn’t look as good as the lighter versions. So I almost let him keep his white avatar, but then I realized it’s my job to teach him, yes light is good but that doesn’t make dark ugly. I need to teach him to recognize the beauty in dark, just as there is beauty in light. I never had this problem with Maya (and she plays way too many video games), not once has she ever chosen a white avatar. Hmmm, apparently I need to step up my skin pride game.

Writing and Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:44:00 +0000

Justine Larbalestier wrote on her blog that she wrote 21 novels before she got published. 21 complete novels. And here I am struggling for some umpteen years to get this one novel finished. Gosh. Something has got to give. I know I should lay off the novel and focus on the PE, but I don’t think that’s in me. Either I’m working on writing or I go a little bit crazy in side. Thus the saying I write because I don’t have a choice certainly applies to me.

Lately, one of my characters, Winifred, has been talking to me. She’s been showing me different things from her childhood and college days. She’s much spookier than I thought she was. She loves listening to the Rock group Korn, she likes the feeling of a knife in her hand, her name really isn’t Winifred. Hmmm….

Mrs. Robinson

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:42:00 +0000

A young guy has been coming by for the past few weekends offering to cut my grass for 10 dollars. I have a pretty big yard so I’m getting a good deal and I feel as if I’m taking advantage of him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Well the young’n has me thinking Like Mrs. Robinson because the boy looks like a movie star. No lie! He’s brown, Hispanic maybe?? Brazilian, maybe??? He’s one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen (close up). Gosh. Don’t hate me, but he soooo fine. He seems to be just as shy as I am. I can’t help but hope that once he turns eighteen he’ll still be asking to cut my grass.

Happy Friday--The Dating Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:00:00 +0000

-So I’m trying to be methodical about this dating thing. Yes, I’m beginning to hate it. But… I don’t believe that we’re put on this planet to be alone. I know there are loads of people who disagree but.. for me. I have lots of love to give and I’d like to share it with someone other than my kids (besides… they’re not going to be with me forever). I don’t mind being single. I’m embracing where I am in life, but I still need to date. So I’m trying to look at it methodical and take the emotion out… Just like I gotta do with editing and getting my work read by others.

-Maya is getting big, grown and beautiful and when I look at her I think I’m past the point of getting married. She’s starting puberty and I definitely don’t want to introduce a man into my house around my daughter. I’d like to think that I’m smart enough not to fall for some dude who might take advantage of my daughter but…. One thing I’ve learned is that you really never know. You can think and pray and hope and be 1000% sure, but still you never really know another person. Miles was right about how much his gf must really trust him because I’m thinking I’m at a point where I won’t live with a man until my daughter is out of high school and safely on her way to college. I’d really hoped I’d be married by now (before she started puberty. That way, I’d hope the man I’d be with would have had time develop that fatherly feeling and stuff), but I spent too much time and energy on aholes so I’ve missed my window of opportunity.

-I met a supposed fireman online. He wants to have drinks and go dancing. I’m not sure if that is an appropriate first date. I love dancing, but I’m thinking he’s thinking of plying me with liquor to get me drunk enough to go to his place. Yeah… I’m not going. Either he comes up with something else for a first date or I’m out. I’m trying to be open minded, but I have to go with my gut. I know how to limit my drinking, but why put myself in the situation in the first place right? I’ve met another guy- an engineer, kinda nerdy- I’m think I’m gonna ask him if he’ll go see District 9 with me.

-I’m shallow. I like a good looking man. Yes, I do. My favorites are the Dark-skinned brother or the blonde Anglo with blue eyes. One extreme to the other. While I am methodically dating, I will try not to look so much at those physical characteristics. Case in point, there is a guy I’ve been working with for two years. I’ve never talked to him before and I thought he was unattractive. Lately, I’ve been having to talk to him for a few cases. And OMG, his voice and his smile and his intelligence. Gosh!!! Know I can’t believe how unattractive I thought he was. Lesson learned. Sometimes he you have to look past the exterior. You’d think I’d know that by now, but I’m shy and never talk to people I don’t know.

Good News Bad News

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 16:02:00 +0000

GoodNews: So I’ve taken my Professional Engineering Exam twice. Failed it twice. Lately, I’ve been studying for it half heartedly thinking that if I gave it my all the second time and still didn’t pass it, how the heck am I gonna pass it the third time. Luck, experience, and more studying is the only thing I’ve come up with. Well Lawdy, Lawdy. There is a testermaster’s class coming in September that will be focusing on exactly the same areas I sucked at on the test. Yeah!!!Yeah!!!Yeah!! My heart is overjoyed. Man I can’t even describe my feelings of joy right now. The class is $600 but this is why I have an emergency fund!

BadNews: I asked my supervisor if my job will consider the class as training so that I won’t have to take vacation time (I wasn’t expecting for them to pay for it) he comes back to me two days later and tells me, “no, the class cannot be considered req’d training and I’m not even supposed to be studying for the test while I’m at work. And if he sees me studying for it (or any one higher up) then I can get in trouble.” Hmm…. Yeah…. Okay…. Seriously? “Yes, seriously,” he said. “it’s our policy to only let people use work time to study for the test once.” I’m on my third time. Considering my supervisor had to take the test four times to pass, I can’t even believed he had the nerve to say that to me with a straight face. Oh well. TheMan (not my supervisor, I think my supervisor is pretty cool) can’t dictate what I do on my free time. I literally I do twice as much work as required of me, but now I figure I’m on TheMan’s radar. I was studying for the test when he gave me the news. He told me to finish the problem that I’m working on and then get back to work. ::Raised Eyebrow:: I’m gonna keep studying. Just gotta make sure I do it on my lunch break. I really haven’t been studying very much anyways… I already know all the freaking material! I kinda like crap like this. It’s really motivating.

Lukewarm

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:30:00 +0000

I had a great day. Especially when I consider how lukewarm my weekend was. Sometimes I need structure and routine to help me remember what's important.

I'm weak. I know. Here is goes my confession (well, not really a confession because I'm grown and i do what i want):

I was supposed to go out with my ex this weekend. I was hoping he had something special planned for my b-day (it's in two weeks but I knew i wasn't gonna see him before then so i told him i wanted to do something for my bday) so i got all dressed up and I was looking HAWT!!!! The dude gets here and just wants to sleep. ::sigh:: Fine whatever, he crashed on my couch and I went out by myself looking fabulous.

Then the next morning when i ask him where he's taking me for breakfast, he says something about how I'm supposed to cook him breakfast, why ain't i ever cooked him breakfast. Then he announces he's leaving and tells me if I want him to marry me I have a lot of things to change. ::::Side eye:::: Lawdy, Lawdy. I wasn't too upset. This is normal behavior from him, but hey I figured he'd pull out the gentlemen behavior for my b-day.

I guess I was more upset with myself for letting him come over once again. The Singlutionary has a post up about experimental abstinence. I was thinking about it, but I've done it before. I've gone years without having sex. I'm not trying to go that route again. it sucks. I hate denying myself the simple pleasures. But the fact this, if I ain't found nobody to get jiggy with that atleast knows how to carry a conversation with me on a regular basis, then i need to leave it alone. The sex ends up sucking most times anyway.

sidebar: dude did try to be nice and attentive for a little while. I guess he went home to Jamaica and his mom was probably all up in his Kool aid asking why he aint settled down and had some kids yet. So once again he been acting all nice (atleast over the phone anyway). But it don't work for long. He's selish and antisocial ; and more than lovers or friends we're enemies. Sleeping with the enemy, is what i think of when i think of him. I want to him ask him why he looks at everything in such a negative way. Why does he approach me as an enemy instead of a friend. I want to ask him why he finds it so hard to communicate and express his feelings. But I don't. I gave up on that long ago, which is why I would never marry dude. Despite his weird antiproposal. --If a couple can't communicate then there is no relationship. If i feel like my words fall on deaf ears then what is the point of talking.

Ahhhhhhh

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Anthony started school today. He looked so handsome! He’s been playing outside so his already dark chocolate skin had this very handsome sheen to it. Kinda like Taye Diggs’ skin. Ahhh, he just looked so handsome. That’s it. That’s all. I just wanted to gush over my kindergartener. Will post a pic later.

A little part of me is concerned that he will be picked on because of his skin color, but it’s so beautiful you’d have to be insane or just plain jealous to say anything bad about it. I try to tell him how beautiful his skin color is. So hopefully, when people start pointing it out he’ll already have it engrained in him that it’s beautiful no matter what anyone says.

The War on Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:34:00 +0000

I’ve discovered the library. Yes, yes, I would go there every now and then check out a book by browsing the aisles as if I were scoping out some fine dude to take home. I would hate how I would never remember what was the name of that book I read a pretty cool review about. Well, I’ve discovered the library has a website. If I read about a book on a blog, I can go to the library’s website see if they have it; if they do, I tell them I want it and they send me an email telling me when I can pick it up. How cool is that? Totally cool. I think everyone knew that but me. Anyway, I read about the The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles” by Steven Pressfield on a personal finance blog. The book is about declaring war on what stops us from doing what we most desire in life, which the author has named “Resistance”. Resistance, he says, is the opposite of creativity. It’s creativity’s foe and mortal enemy. Here is my favorite excerpt from the book:

“You know Hitler wanted to be an artist. At eighteen he took his inheritance, seven hundred keronen, and moved to Vienna to live and study. He applied to the Academy of Fine Arts and later to the School of Architecture. Ever see one of his paintings? Neither have I. Resistance beat him. Call it overstatement but I’ll say it anyway: it was easier for Hitler to start World War II than it was for him to face a blank square of canvas.”

I said all that to say this, I have problems with anxiety. I don’t think I’ve told anyone this before. Right now, I’m not doing my work because I’m suffering from anxiety. So much work, so much to do, I’m paralyzed. But I can sit here and write about it, so I am. In one form, resistance is winning because I’m not working on what I’m supposed to be doing. On the other hand, resistance is losing because I’m writing, I’m doing something. It may not be the important thing but it is something. It’s a small step, but it’s the beginning of my war on Resistance.

The anxiety I feel which immobilizes me, I know is a form of resistance. It’s a war. I’ve been letting it win for so long. Now that I’ve written this, I’ve won a small battle with resistance, I have the strength to overcome this anxiety and get to work.

Hi!

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 20:32:00 +0000

Hi!

Sorry I’ve been quiet. Ya know, I’ve living my life instead of blogging about it. That’s no excuse, though. I should do both. I’ve been a little frustrated. For a little while, I wasn’t living by the “singlutionary” code—which is just to be happy with your single self. I’m not saying I was unhappy, just maybe a little lonesome. Anywhoo, I decided to try the online thing again. That lonesome period has passed and as much as I don’t feel like I should spend the rest of my life alone… I really, really don’t like to date. I don’t have the energy or the time for it right now. I just want to meet some incredible person (not online..i’m tired of online) who bends towards my will, spoils me to death, looks very, very handsome and instinctively knows what I want. ::sigh:: I am so selfish. The older I get the more selfish (and lazier) I get.

Anywhoo Randomness follows:

-I had one date from Match, his profile said 5ft8, he ended up being 5ft3. I’ve never met a guy online lie like that, so I’m now I’m really doubtful about the rest of the guys on there. I didn’t say anything about his lie, but didn’t call him back either.

-I’ve taken a burlesque class, a pole dancing lesson, I’ve gone to a bat watch in the middle of nowhere, and stayed in my first bed and breakfast since the last time I blogged. All done with awesome friends!

-I’ve been devouring books as if they’re water and I haven’t drank for a decade. Right now I’m operating on 4 hours of sleep because I stayed up reading The Soloist by Steve Lopez. Brilliantly written book. Me liked very, very much. I’ve read three biographies over the past three weeks. I had no idea how good biographies could be. I always thought they were boring like history books. So not true. I’m looking forward to the movie.

- I originally started this blog after the painful break up of me and Ant’s Dad, then I started blogging about books and then back to Single lady issues again. Now, I’m ready to start heading back in the direction of book reviews since I’m trying to figure out the written word. Honestly, I don’t like doing book reviews, but that’s because I don’t think I’m very good at them and I’m impatient. I’m gonna try to get back into them, but only for the books I like.

-My daughter wants to leave her highly structured and demanding charter school for “regular” public school. I’ve deiced to let her. I’m promising her and myself that I am going to make her do more work after school by guiding her to do the things she wants like singing and digging deeper into computer graphics (since those are the things that she is most interested in). I think I’m gonna have her create her own blog and do book reviews. She’s not very good at them, but it’ll be good reading and writing practice. Besides, I’m not very good at them either.

Assimilate

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:56:00 +0000

Happy Monday!

Is it weird that I got dressed and put on make-up to go to a house party and then didn’t go because I wanted to finish reading a book? Man, my old addiction from high school is back. No wonder I was teased!

I had Thai food for the first time Friday. It was good. Then I went Barnes and Nobles to do some studying. There was a really cute white guy there. He returned my calculator for me. I asked him if he had a girlfriend, after much scariness within myself (I hate approaching men), and he said he did. Cool, no biggie. I was just happy I asked because if I hadn’t then I would have been hating myself for the rest of the weekend. I told a friend about the encounter. He asked can I offer a suggestion?

“Sure,” I said. After much stuttering because he knew he was about to say something stupid, he said maybe I should act less ghetto when I approach guys (white guys). Jaw drop! I asked him to explain. He said maybe I don’t act ghetto, but I should act more like Tiger Woods or Colin Powell. ::WoW:: He’s from Pakistan, and he backed up his statement about how he feels like he needs to “assimilate” to fit in and attract ladies, so maybe I should do that also. ::WoW:: Assimilate!

Me thinking he doesn’t get the point of my big afro and my colorful clothes. ::WoW:: So I had to explain to him that I think I’m beautiful how I am. If anything I’m trying to be more ethnic and less mainstream. Resistance may be futile but the only way that I’m going to Assimilate is if I’m dead and my body has been taken over by the borg.

Odd thing is, he’s multicultural. His friends are diverse and he’s always trying to get me to do (mostly eat) international/ethnic foods. So I’m a little shocked he would say that. Oh well. You do your thang, I’m gonna do my thang! Really, do I want a dude that expects me to act white. Come on, seriously? How do you act white anyway?????

As confident as I am in myself, his statement hit a nerve. Ant’s dad was able to get away with so much because he would use the Black female stereotype against me. If I was standing up for myself he would use it against me in some way and then I would back down. –I was naïve and I’m ashamed of myself for falling for his lies, but I’ve never been ashamed of who I was. To many people have suffered and died for me to be where I am and raise my own children and not have them sold away from me.

Teaze

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:31:00 +0000

Oklahoma’s first and only sultry dance studio, Teaze Dance and Fitness, LLC; has opened up a block from where I work. WooHoo. I love dancing. I love it so much I wish I could marry it. I am so looking forward to taking Teaze classes (I have no idea what that is) and Burlesque basics (I have a little idea about this one. I get cool images in my head thinking about it) and intro pole dancing classes. I am so excited, and a big part of me is thinking that I’m probably hyping it up way too much since I really don’t know what the classes will entail. But hey a girl can dream, right? yes, I can. And right now I’m dreaming of loving these classes so much that I’ll eventually get to teach a class myself. :::sigh::: Yes, I know I’ll probably lose interest after a month or the teachers will suck, but.. maybe I won’t get bored and maybe those skinny, pales girls will be good teachers and the classes will ROCK. Although it didn’t help that I ran over there today at lunch and the class was canceled! But I’m still pretty hyped. Since my class was canceled, she told me my next class was free. I LOVE free!

Coincidently, Racialicious posted an article about brown girls in burlesque yesterday. I’ll be sitting at home tonight watching the videos. J

Side note. My male bbf at work was talking about how this would be so great for relationships and how every woman should take those classes to please their man. I told him I would never take the class to please a man. In my experience, most men do not go out of their way to please their ladies so I wouldn’t go out of my way to please a man (not by taking these classes anyway.) Persoanlly, I love moving my body. I love expressing myself through dance and I think that I am s*xy. I’d do it for me… forget everybody else…

Beware! Book Reviews --Kinda

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:31:00 +0000

Hey Peops! How is it hanging, to the left or the right? Haha

I’m desperately trying to make up for the slacking I did last week with the anticipation of the fourth of July. I had four days to study and edit, but instead I didn’t do anything but read. I felt like I was in High School again. I was such a book nerd. Atleast I wasn’t reading vampire romances this time. The first book was the “The Brass Bed” by Jennifer Stevenson. I got the book for free at Wiscon a couple of years ago. She even signed it! I didn’t read it because the cover looked so crappy. But I did get “Trash, Sex, Magic” this year at Wiscon and I loved it. The writing was so beautiful. It had a sentient tree in the story. I LOVE trees. Especially sentient trees. And this tree had a kick ass s**x drive to boot! And in the end the tree turned out to be a Jamaican dude (U got to read it to understand what I’m talking about). **Me likes Jamaicans** so it got a point for diversity. But there were no Black women in the book so I wanted to take my point back.

I read “The Brass Bed” hoping it would be as good as “Trash Sex Magic” and unfortunately, it didn’t come close. The crappy cover was not deceiving. I am thinking that she’ll redeem herself with the second book. Dang it! Now I have to get the second book “The Velvet Chair” even though the first one sucked.

The second book I read was “A Princess of Roumania” by Paul Park. The beginning was excellent. I fell in love with the characters and the writing style but then towards the middle every single character seemed had to have their own POV chapter, so it became boring and boring. It felt like filler so he could write the second book and third book. Damn these book publishers! I won’t be able to find out what happened until I read through another six hundred pages.

Hair, A-holery, and Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Kahnee) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:02:00 +0000

What’s up peops?!?

I stayed up until 3 AM reading the last book in the Twilight saga. I know don’t hate me. I’m in love with the sexy Native American werewolf, Jacob. I thought I’d be crashing right about now, but I’m unusually hyped up. Weird. So stay tuned for the wonderful randomness that has been my life since the last time I blogged (excluding the net worth post I just posted).

1. I twisted my hair with yarn and kept it pretty long. I’ve never braided my own hair before and apparently it looks pretty good because I’ve been getting lustful looks from plenty of men. I’m missing my fro, so It’s definitely coming out for the July 4^th weekend.

2. Ant’s dad asked to meet up with me yesterday after work. Of course, he wouldn’t tell me what he wanted over the phone. ::drama queen:: We finally met up and he told me that he’s ready to start the steps to develop a relationship with Ant-- starting with tennis lessons. ::rolls eyes:: I am very apprehensive. I don’t trust him for crap and I believe it’s better to not have him involved than be some crappy dad that shows up every blue moon. I’m gonna give him a chance, but If he falters, I will cut the a__hole out of my son’s life. ***No joke**

3. My bff at work told me that I’ve been glowing when we were discussing what Ant’s dad could want to talk about. He said maybe dead beat dad has seen the “new glow” and is trying to worm his way back in. I dismissed that possibility and asked him what he meant by glowing. He just shrugged and passed over the question. –glowing--- Hmmmm…. I am definitely happy and having fun. It’s hard not to smile when you’re having fun. I’m embracing my singltude and dressing to fit the part. Secretly… just a little bit, it’s fun having a kicking it partner at work, which is probably making me smile more. He’s only been back at the job for about three months after being gone for 5 years. But the job had been more fun since he’s been back. We have the same goals and interests like exercise and what we want out of life. And I know people are thinking we’re sneaking around, but he’s married and me don’t do married men. Plus, I really like having another genuine friend and I wouldn’t want to mess that up.

4. I don’t get hit on often, but two men have asked me out over the past few months and they’ve both been barbers. I’m thinking barbers are not intimidated by natural hair at all.

Alright.. I’m off to study…..